Living The First Chapter Of A Mystery Novel

vintage journal

One day while I was binge-watching television one of the main characters said this:

“Don’t worry when people go crazy. Worry when people don’t.”

 

We think the, “Nah girl, I’m good” is better and safer. But, what I have found is that mentality leaves us stuck, not stronger.

We were made to react…not to become numb. I know it’s scary to face your junk head-on like a collision you forgot to brace yourself for, but sometimes the best way we become strong is to admit that we’re not. Or even close.

Change happens so quickly relentlessly shifting the shape of our lives. I’ve learned how to sink into it instead of fighting it so hard. Control is not something that I get to have, but I do have control over how I respond to the messiness of life.

But, sometimes my response is a melt down on the kitchen floor sobbing after finding out that my father passed. And that’s okay. I had to break down so I could stand up and face my new reality of planning a funeral and burying a parent much too young.

My dad left two notes for us because he knew his time was short. I’m not going to lie; the notes he left freaked me out.

I was living the first chapter of a mystery novel. I had nightmares for a few nights after we found the notes wondering if he was scared. I wondered when he actually wrote them and I hated that he was alone when he took his final breath. My mind drifted to places that I had to go and questions that I needed to ask.

What I feel a majority of the time is peace that is stronger than all my questions.

I’m allowing my heart room for fragile space. I’m not beating myself up for being chronically forgetful and shifting into a very slow pace for living right now. Even though I prefer fast paced living mixed with the solitary moments that fill me up, I find healing in the stillness.

I find a calm waiting there for me. God has been so real during this time of sifting through old things left behind and the old memories that belong with them.

I find God in the letting go of all the bad, while I hold onto all the good.

Extending grace to yourself and others is the covering that shelters you in rooms without walls. Forgiveness is the best thing that you can give yourself if you are holding on to old hurts, trust me. Forgiveness becomes a footstep that leads to freedom; dragging our feet only slows us down from wholeness in Christ.

Being brave enough to “go crazy” and deal with your junk instead of ignoring your pain is the best kind of crazy because of the peace that is waiting on the other side of your pain.

Much love,

Jennifer Renee

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. (Is 26:3)