I’ve tried to finish this blog post for months now. Somehow it feels more like a book of all the things I have gleaned from learning to wait well and sometimes wrong. I have been living in and out of two worlds. The one I liked and the one I didn’t. I found myself weaving throughout brief moments of contentment where I was pretty sure I was over myself and then discontentment would rise to the surface of my heart. I have always been hardwired to be a Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus drinking him in and hanging on every word. But, this current season of life is forcing me to live in the hyper drive of Martha Madness and it’s exhausting. One minute I’m convinced that I am in my prime (and I am, dang it) and the next I’m wondering if my heart is bordering on the edge of a midlife crisis, but it never lasts long. Thank God for that.
Somehow I fit in this skin of mine better than ever…even though I am finding it hard to fit in this season. I have learned that the most tangled seasons of my life bring about the most profound moments of searching scriptures and the contents of my heart while I ask God to remind me of the peace that is waiting on the other side of surrender.
A few months ago someone asked if they could call me to chat about something that I wrote that struck a cord with them. Through hesitant pauses two strangers shared about seasons and timing, the cracks in our voices and strong silence spoke louder than the words we couldn’t quite find. Eventually we said the messy things about the work we do.
Clutching a phone and sharing our hearts we wrestled verbally with our truth. We don’t like our right now. Not once did we answer with cheesy clichés and easily typed Facebook answers like, “God never gives us more than we can handle.”
He always gives us more than we can handle, most of the time it’s because of how he steps in during our weak moments when we want to check out. We know that his strength is made perfect in our weakness, we have lived it, but sometimes it makes others uncomfortable when we work out our faith and leave it untidy.
Maybe it is because those answerless moments are easier to reduce, or shame, than it is to actually find wordy remedies. Often when I wrestle with God, wild like Jacob and beg him for a blessing, I walk away with a surrendered limp knowing that his blessing never left me, not even once.
In moments of wrecked tears and salty searching I know that it would be foolish for me to go on what I “feel” so I search for where it is found in the word of God. I open up my heart and my ragged feelings to wrap my mind around his truth. His ways are higher, but to find them I have to dig deeper- deep enough for it to hurt. I find myself rooted deeply in faith that requires me to seek God in a way that helps me unravel all the tangles from self.
Sometimes I find myself asking God some really big questions. But it is those three-worded-questions that rock me to the core.
Is this it?
Yet, I know that on the other side of “Is this it?” is the more that I long for.
These moments require faith in the unseen and the kind of fumbling searching that leaves strange shades of green bruises from running into all of the things in our way. But, mostly it is just us. We are in the way.
We throw out words like prosperity with the weight of how it feels with empty pockets in our soul during seasons that we wish were over and find ourselves confronted with the truth. Prosperity has nothing to do with what we hold in our hands and everything to do with what we hold in our hearts. This is wealth- the only kind that lasts in the eternal.
My muffled words find clarity, “We are not supposed to be comfortable. Nothing about serving Christ is supposed to be safe.”
Something profound is waiting on the other side of, “Is this it?”
But, it’s going to hurt a little bit before you get there. It’s not about a place, or that thing that you want desperately. It can’t be found in a position or pay scale. But, if you are like the rest of us, you’ve probably looked there first.
It’s found in the beautiful deep where you hold your motives in your hands and ask God to mine for diamonds in the dark places in your heart.
It’s in that place where you wrestle with where you are now because it looks nothing like where you want to be, or even close.
I know you want to rush through this uncomfortable place. Trust me, I am right there with you. But, this is has nothing to do with arriving and everything to with becoming.
With tears that sting falling, I can tell you that I know it will be worth it. God will never waste our pain. The beautiful deep is inside of you, in searching and seeking God in your messiness and finding out that is exactly what God wants- all of you, messy heart and all.
I have decided to stop chasing what I want and seek the God who knows what I need.
Our promise from God is this, if we seek him, we will find him.
“You will seek me and find me, when you search for me with all of your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13)
So much love to you,