We fought. It happens. I felt myself shutting down, but I decided to push against the quiet to be heard, but more than that, I wanted to be seen. So, I yelled a little and overused my hands to talk like a raving lunatic until I find smarter words. The conversation went something like this…
“I’m not that much of a mystery. I can pretty much spell it out for you. When people yell, I go somewhere else. When I am made to feel like less or talked down to, I shut down. Forget fight or flight. Recovering broken girls turn inward and invisible, we just do. Yes, I have come so far and I am over many things. But, I have still have triggers. Maybe I always will. I still flinch if angry hands go up, or even close. I still want to put up walls and have to work so hard to let people all the way in when there is a lack of trust there. I still have those triggers and here is what they are…
Here’s the why of your mystery girl. I run away, even if it’s only in my mind. But, by the grace of God, I have learned how to stay when everything inside of me wants to run.”
Tears fall and I feel better knowing that I made a choice to be seen instead of invisible. Even if he feels a little worse and a little shaken by having to love someone that makes his head spin. I make sense to God, even to myself, and I make sense to my posse of recovering broken girls. We get each other.
Here is the deal about recovering broken girls, we link arms and fight for each other instead of fighting with one another.
Girl, you can really be an overcomer who still has triggers and memories that surface. You will still have to forgive someone repeatedly for something you thought was already taken care of, dealt with, and forgiven.
When we are at our lowest moment and running scared we wonder if God sees us. We wonder if He knows exactly where we are, especially when our circumstances have caused us to not “feel” Him. In Genesis 16 a battle plays out in the hearts of two women who turned on each other. One of them had the heart of her man and the other was enlisted to carry his child.
One was a wife and the other a maidservant, yet inside of them both was a deep-rooted need to be loved, to be seen, and bring forth life. As the story plays out they both began to despise one another, mistreating one another in such a way that inflicted such misery. What seemed like a good idea at the time, the giving of Sarai’s maidservant as a wife to Abram, went terribly wrong dividing hearts and their home.
In this story we have two women misbehaving and inflicting wounds on the other, hurling insults and looks that could kill, and a passive man who just wanted all of this to go away. This was a ticking time bomb and a disaster waiting to happen.
Hagar did the only thing she knew to do- run. And in the process of running, God met with her in such a powerful way that it changed her. The bruised heart of the maidservant needed to know that she wasn’t a throw-away-soul with no value or importance.
In verse 7-13, the girl who ran was found.
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” That is why the well was called Beer Lahai Roi…” (Vs. 13-14)
He is the God that sees us in our running place, wounded and forsaken. He is the God that meets with us and has specific promises for us even when we feel like we don’t deserve them and feel we are second best, unwanted, and invisible.
When we meet with the God who sees us, we can return with the assurance that whatever we face He is with us. Even when God tells us to go back to a place that feels toxic or love and live in community with those with toxic behaviors.
God looks at us and doesn’t see a throw-away-soul. He gives us a deep and satisfying well to draw from.
I look at these two women, the one with and the one without, and my heart aches at how women compare, covet, and wound one another. When “she” has what you want, ugly things can be stirred up within. Fight against that, not her. Don’t be blinded by what she has and what you don’t. I pray we can fight against the enemy of our souls who turns sister against sister. I pray that when God finds us, He sees us standing with our arms linked together and our hearts filled with love for our sisters in their various seasons of needing to be seen.
We all have something that we are waiting on.
We all want to run sometimes.
And we all crave to be seen in our broken places. We long to be seen in our seasons where we have and have not.
This week we will chase after the promises that are specifically ours and not look at what someone else has.
This week we will chase after our joy, not the joy that belongs to someone else.
This week we will rest in the knowledge that we are seen and noticed by God.
This week we will seek out someone who is struggling and let them know that they are seen and not alone.
Will you make this your prayer this week and join me?
Linking arms and hearts with you.