I feel like I’m pretty real with you, even to the point of writing emotionally buck-naked. But, so much of writing is about what we dare not put on paper and yet I’m willing to risk it to show you what I would write down in my journal today. I had my pen out ready to spill it, but I felt like I needed to let you see…perhaps even let you in. (I might hate myself tomorrow for doing this.) Healing came for me in sharing the broken pieces of myself that I was afraid would linger forever. I wanted to be whole, but I thought wholeness looked like forgetfulness to the point of pretending those things never happened. I was so wrong. I found out pretending that I was okay stifled me emotionally and spiritually, but admitting that I had insecurities propelled me into finding the strength of God inside of me. I could actually harness the weakness inside of me instead of hiding it. I was sinking so low into depression that I was desperate for a lighter shade of darkness or the promise of gray, hopeful hues telling me that light would return if I just kept showing up and seeking God in my mess.
I come to you so ready to walk away from the extras in my life. I’m tired. I’ve never been more fulfilled in ministry; each day is a crazy dream where my creativity is unleashed. But, it’s been two months of trying to prove myself…and silence the critics. Now, just help me love them.
Being a woman in ministry is dang hard. But you keep showing up for me because it’s not about me. I was thrown under the bus, but now I’m driving it. Help me to figure out a pace that works. This success has nothing to do with me, only my obedience. I get it. I’m grateful…I don’t deserve this kind of favor.
But I am sinking.
My girl is struggling with all the things I struggled with in school and I am fighting so hard against the lies the enemy is putting in her head. Give me wisdom and strength. I will not let her become another causality of insecurity because she doesn’t learn like everyone else.
Please help me to pay attention to my husband and for him to pay attention to me, I don’t want ministry to be the only thing we are good at. Rearrange my priorities because living the life I’ve always wanted is a lot of work. I’m so afraid I’m not doing a good job.
Everything is hazy when I write because it has taken the backseat. Who am I kidding? That part of what I do is in the trunk, locked up like that extra tire and jack that is never used but it’s still there. I don’t know if I have it in me to try again for another dead end project and writing with too many voices in my head. I don’t know how to do this with my fear and insecurity in the driver seat. Drive for me. Confirm and bring clarity…the white flag is up, I surrender.
Giving you this, trading my load for yours. Saying yes to you, always, even when I want to check out and freak all the way out. I’m in; it’s a yes to this messy, lovely life.
Welcome into my head. Scary, huh? 😉 Why can’t I just be a mommy blogger and write about lame, healthy snacks? I’m mostly kidding.
So…how’s this going for you? Don’t rush. Do this at YOUR pace, these are just prompts to get you started. For the weekend: Prayer journal without prompts. Or set it aside completely this weekend, live really big and do something fun with your people. I have some really cool things to share with you next week about prayer journaling, can’t wait!
So. Much. Love. To. You.
You can do this, sweet ones.